How to save soccer

Editor's note*: We recently began to receive notes sent by "The Fixer," whose fiery but brilliant hot takes aim to overhaul sports. This time, he takes a few kicks at soccer.

*Editor's-note note:This letter is not real. Well, it's real. It's just not REAL real, ya know?

G'day, mate! I'm in Australia on my dream vacation (dunno why but I always wanted to be kicked in the face by a kangaroo), and just got done watching the Women's World Cup. It was so awesome that now I actually wanna watch more soccer.

Only problem: Such stoopid rules! Luckily, as I was on the plane over here watching Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, I came up with these three easy fixes!

1. Why does time never stop??????

A running game clock and then, at the end, a ref holds up a coupla fingers to show how much extra time there is... WHAT?!?! Only worse idea I can recall is that time my nephew Chunk tried selling homemade flu shots out of the back of his old RV -- The state didn't like that AT ALL. So... we're going full hoops rules here. Every team gets three timeouts and unlimited subs. Ball out of bounds, clock stops. Player injury, clock stops. Team scores and celebrates for 7 minutes, clock stops. Get with the freakin' times, FIFA!

What a dumb, confusing rule that refs get wrong all the time. So screw it! Stand wherever you want! What about cherrypicking, you say? I say cherrypick away! Because you know how lame NBA games are with all those exciting fast breaks and dunks. Besides, when was the last time you saw NBA teams station players at the other end of the court? NEVAH! And speaking of fast breaks... buh-bye, penalty kicks. Tie games go to a 30-second shootout, where 2 players have half a minute to score against one defender and the goalie. It's like a better version of a hockey shootout, minus 328 pounds of goalie pads!

Here's sumthin we can all agree on: Flopping has gots to go. So we're adding two more refs on the field -- who invented the idea of having one poor schlub huff and puff up and down the entire damn field for 90 minutes?!?! -- and three in the video booth. Any time a player hits the ground and causes a stoppage, our three review judges take a look. If two of the three think it's bogus, that player is off the field for a five-minute power play. So knock it off, Neymar!

Another month, another sports miracle provided free of charge.

* Catch the LA Galaxy-LAFC intracity battle on July 19 (10 p.m. ET, ESPN).

Source: Espn.com

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Keywords:

College soccer • Public relations • College soccer • Australia • Australia national rugby league team • Association football • Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles • Overtime (sports) • Time-out (sport) • Out of bounds • FIFA (video game series) • National Basketball Association • National Basketball Association • Bye (sports) • Penalty shoot-out (association football) • Penalty shoot-out (association football) • Defender (association football) • Ice hockey goaltending equipment • Power Play (TV series) • Neymar • LA Galaxy • Los Angeles FC • ESPN •